Jokes are Fun~

[~jamollopus~]

Fast Drinker
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."


A real estate salesman and his boss
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
“That customer's going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”
“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

[Prrromotion]

A group of people are waiting at the bustop. As the bus arrives, everyone begins to load on. As a woman in a tight, black-leather skirt tries to make that first step onto the bus, she realizes her skirt is too tight to make that step.

So she reaches back and unzips her skirt slightly.

As she tries to make the first step again, it's apparent her skirt is still too tight.

So once more, she reaches back and unzips her skirt further.

Again, she tries to step, but it's not enough.

She reaches back one more time, and unzips it more. As she tries to make the step, it's STILL too tight.

Finally, fed up, a large, buff, Harley-Davidson-esque biker guy finally graps her by her hips and places her in the bus.

Angry, she turns around and retorts "What's the big idea? That was rude!"

To this, the biker guy responds "Rude?? You're the one who kept reaching back and unzipping my fly!"

[Shadow®]

Joke 1 5 Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.


Joke 2
A hunter dials 911 and says, "I just shot at something that I thought was a deer but it was another hunter. I'm afraid I just killed him."

The operator says, "It's OK sir, it may not be as bad as you think. First, make sure he's really dead."

The guy says OK and sets down the phone. Then the operator hears a gunshot. He picks up the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

[~jamollopus~]

"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien

"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien

"The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno

"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna." --David Letterman

"President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded childrens' health insurance. Explained the president, 'I hate kids.'" --Seth Meyers

"According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler

[~jamollopus~]

Yard Work
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."



Good Eyes
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up.

"My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[~jamollopus~]

More True Courtroom Humor
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

[~jamollopus~]

Tech Support
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.

[Prrromotion]

lawl!

I haven't many jokes, unfortunately.

[~jamollopus~]

ah, well... both of my brothers really love telling jokes and such, they also enjoy sending me loads of emails after emails full of this stuff... so i have tons more to share~

More Good Advice From Kids
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?”
After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!”
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”

First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.
Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.
Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?"
The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy.
His dog won first prize.

Inspiring Music
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?


12-mile march
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
“Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!”
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
“And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”

[~jamollopus~]

Physics Professor
A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and an excited expression. In lecture he would through himself from the top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to illustrate various principles.
One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row.
He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent.

Pay up!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "Idon't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"
Medical Student : "I memorized it."

Inseperable
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.